Christmas in New York (2012)

Saks Fifth Avenue, NYC – photo by NYC Insider Guide

I won’t be in NYC for Christmas this year, but professional changes are afoot and I’m closer to NYC than I’ve been since I started writing this blog – next year may just be the year!

Meanwhile, it’s time to pull together the yearly list of NYC Christmas happenings!

1. Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting - Wednesday, November 28, 2012

It’s the 80th tree to be lit in Rockefeller Square, and this year the tree will be lit with more than 300,000 energy efficient LED lights making the celebration both traditional and forward thinking!

2. Radio City Christmas Spectacular

The Rockettes kick off the Christmas season is high style!!

3. Department Store Holiday Window Displays 

Bergdorf Goodman holiday window – photo by Ricky Zehavi for Bergdorf Goodman

Bloomingdale’s and Lord & Taylor  unveiled their windows on Tuesday, November 13.  Barney’s showed off their “Electric Holiday” video and talked with Sean James, Christie’s Vice President of Managed Services, about how they made the magic happen.  Macy’s and Henri Bendel revealed their windows on Thursday, November 15.  The grand prize goes to Bergdorf Goodman’s beautiful holiday windows inspired by the Great Gatsby and the “roaring 20s” era.

4. Holiday Markets, Shops and Fairs

As usual, there are a large number of wonderful places to buy unique holiday gifts in New York City!  Most of the markets and shops open up around November 14, and stay open until the end of December.

5. New York Botanical Gardens Holiday Train Show

Within the enchanting setting of the Enid A. Haupt Conservatory, model trains zip over bridges and past replicas of New York landmarks made of plant parts such as nuts, bark, and leaves. Show favorites include the original Yankee Stadium, Statue of Liberty, and Brooklyn Bridge.

This year visitors will get an insider’s look at how the replicas are constructed. Models in different stages of completion will show how a structure destined for the Holiday Train Show is framed and begins taking shape through the addition of plant material. Photos, interpretive panels, tools, and supplies help tell the story of how the magic comes together.

6. Winter’s Eve at Lincoln Square

On Monday, November 26, 2012 the Lincoln Square Business Improvement District and presenting sponsor Time Warner will host the Thirteenth Annual Winter’s Eve at Lincoln Square – New York City’s largest holiday festival! Winter’s Eve kicks off with a neighborhood tree lighting ceremony with world renowned singer/songwriter Suzanne Vega, cast members of Avenue Q, the Brooklyn Youth Chorus, WABC-TV’s Sade Baderinwa, and special guest Laurie Berkner from 5:00pm – 6:00pm. Winter’s Eve continues through the evening and features free entertainment, food tastings, in-store activities and shopping around and about this colorful and vibrant neighborhood.

7. Macy’s 86th Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade

The parade that needs no explanation!

8. New Year’s Eve Times Square Ball Drop Gala

Towering 22 and 23 stories above the million or so partiers on 7th Avenue and Broadway below, the Sentry Center offers a commanding view of the incredible festivities in Times Square and the famous Times Square Waterford Crystal ball itself. You can watch the crowds as they gather in the streets outside while you enjoy an open bar, hors d’oeuvres and desserts, DJ dance music and of course, the view to end all views! At midnight the ball drop,fireworks and confetti will create the perfect backdrop scenery for welcoming in the New Year in Times Square.

I won’t be able to join in the festivities this year, but I remain optimistic that 2013 will be the year I celebrate Christmas in New York!

Happy Holidays to all!

It’s in the Way That You Use It

Bayonne Bridge – photo by MAG

Last week, some co-workers at my sales job stopped me and asked, “What drugs are you taking?”  I laughed and asked why they were asking.

In unison, all three replied, “Because we want some!”

I laughed harder and asked if they wanted to know the truth or if they wanted the easy answer.  They wanted said they wanted the truth, so I gave it to them.

Every day I make an active choice to be a happy person.

I know this is hard for people to believe, but it really is that simple.

I make the choice to assume positive intent, to see the good in people and situations, and to be a person who builds rather than destroys.  This is not to say that it’s always easy to do; it’s not.

I often feel frustrated when other people refuse to respond in the ways that I hope they will respond, but I’ve learned  that being positive is a lot like being fit – it’s a matter of simply conditioning oneself. So, I have learned to quickly reframe my thinking and try a new approach.

Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t, but I always learn something new from the experience.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t see all of the ugliness and injustice in the world because I definitely do.  It simply means that I’ve made the conscious choice not to add to it by being equally ugly or unjust because as Gandhi once said, “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”

In order to be a positive person, I constantly ask myself what kind of world I want to live in and how I want others to remember me.

Do I want to be a person that people are glad to see arriving or one who people are relieved to see leaving?

If you’re looking for a way to be happy, ask yourself this question – and then be the change.

Make Life

Gehry Building in the early morning – Photo by DMT

This past week my students informed me that I should write a book. When I asked what it should be about, they replied, “About you!” When pressed to narrow the topic (since “being me” is a pretty big one), they suggested that I should write about how I do what I do.

While that may seem confusing and ill-defined to most people, I knew exactly what they meant.

I’m an incredibly positive person (some might say I’m annoyingly positive). My outlook on life is optimistic because I tend to see the bright side of things, and as a result that’s what I most often see. This can be incredibly frustrating for folks who are cynical and/or defensive because it chips away at the protective fortresses they’ve built and challenges their beliefs about the world – and I understand why they tend to shake their heads and tell me I’m too nice to people.

They’re afraid.

They’re scared of what would happen if they allowed themselves to become as vulnerable as they think I’ve allowed myself to become. They’re scared of being taken advantage of and looking foolish as a result. But most of all, they’re afraid of being hurt.

I know because I used to be afraid, too.

What’s interesting is that as I’ve changed my way of thinking and become more optimistic, I’ve found that I actually get hurt less. I have lots of theories about why this is, but I think it comes down to basic laws of physics and physiology – you’re less likely to get hurt when you roll into a fall rather than resisting it.

I think the same is true of an approach to living, and when I open my arms (and heart) and embrace everything, I find that the bad stuff becomes a less troublesome because there’s so much more good stuff to embrace. And in the process, I find that I’m much better protected from the bad stuff because I’m attracting so much more good stuff!

You’re probably sitting there scratching your head and thinking, “Yes, but how do you do this?”

Mary’s Positivity Training List

1. Assume positive intent.

I learned this two years ago when I went to work for a major computer company, and it changed my entire perspective on people. Assume that other people are not out to get you. Assume that their issues have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Stop operating defensively and start trying to find solutions for the problem. Assume that you have the power to help someone else find a solution, and stay calm as you work toward it. It’s not about YOU!

2. Treat others better than you’d like to be treated.

Most of us have learned the Golden Rule (“Do unto others…”), this is the Platinum Rule. This means that you treat every person with courtesy, kindness and generosity – the way you would if you were hosting someone you admire and respect in your home (think the President or someone famous). This does not mean that you allow people to be rude or disrespectful to you, it simply means that you treat people the way they want to be treated (and this often means asking people how they would like to be treated).

3. Be the change you want to see in the world.

If you want people to be kinder and more courteous, then you need to be kinder and more courteous. If you want people to be more patient, then you need to be more patient. If you want a better world, then shape your actions to reflect the kind of world you want to live in – and understand that change takes time! If you are in a position of leadership, whether on the job or at home, understand that the people you are leading take their cues from you and their behavior reflects the example you set (and if you don’t believe me, take a look at the feedback for companies on Glassdoor or Linkedin, and then take a look at those who are CEOs of those companies).

4. Look for the good in every person and situation.

Focus on what’s right with the world and you’ll find the strength to fix what’s wrong. Every experience we have is an opportunity for learning and growth, and every person has a story. Ask questions and then pay attention to the answers. Offer constructive feedback in a way that tells the person what they’re doing right, what needs to be improved, and two possible ways to go about improving. Then listen. If you listen carefully, people will often tell you exactly what’s going on, even when they aren’t telling you directly. Sometimes what someone isn’t telling you is far more important than the words they are speaking.

5. Take responsibility for your actions.

Stop blaming other people for making you angry or frustrated. Understand that if you are angry and/or frustrated, you’ve made choices that have led you to this point, and you need to take responsibility for those choices. It doesn’t mean that other people haven’t made mistakes, it simply means you can’t control the actions of others, only your own, The most straightforward way to deal with a mistake is to acknowledge it, accept responsibility for it, apologize if necessary, and then move on. You will earn a lot more respect from people if they feel they can trust you to consistently take responsibility for your actions.

These are the basic principles I try and live by, and I try to feed my positive outlook with books, music, movies, and quotes from people who do things that inspire me. It doesn’t mean I ignore the ugly realities of life, it simply means I don’t spend a lot of time focusing on the negative side of them. Instead, I ask why something bad has happened, and then I try and identify ways in which the situation could be changed in the future.

And I’ll warn you that this list is not a magic bullet. You will not suddenly wake up tomorrow morning feeling happier or more optimistic simply because you’ve read it. It’s taken me a very long time to develop the habit of optimism, and it’s still not perfect – nor will it ever be. I still get frustrated, make mistakes, and lose my cool on occasion, but I forgive myself because I’m human, and because I’ve learned to view my mistakes in a positive light.

Becoming a positive person takes dedication, commitment, hard work, and patience, but when you are able to sustain positivity, you’ll feel like anything is possible.

And it is.

I promise.

Beautiful

Me and the Saginaw soccer girls; Photo by John and/or Robert

A few weeks ago, I had the great fortune of meeting a group of young women who reminded me that it’s never to early – or too late – jump in and live life to the fullest.  These young soccer players had traveled south from Saginaw to play in a tournament over Mother’s Day weekend, and on the Friday night before the games began, they showed up at my department store cosmetics counter enthusiastically asking to be made over.

From the moment they arrived, I was fascinated by their energy and bright spirits.  Their words tumbled out of their mouths and over each others sentences as they begged me to give them smokey eyes and glossy lips, and before I could respond, aided by the tag on my apron, they were calling me by my first name.  ”Mary, please?” “Mary, can you make me look glamourous?”  ”What do you think of this color, Mary?”

How could I resist?

The first question I asked was whether their mothers would allow them to wear makeup.  I learned this one the hard way, when, one afternoon, a group of pre-teen girls showed up and begged to try the new mascara our line had just launched.  Since I have no children of my own, it never occurred to me that some mothers might not want their daughters to wear makeup at home, let alone test it out in a department store.  So, I meticulously applied a layer of lengthening mascara to the lashes of a young woman who, it turned out, was not even supposed to be wearing lip gloss. 

When her mother showed up, all hell broke loose at the counter.  I apologized profusely, soaked a cotton ball with makeup remover, handed it to the girl, and swore to myself that I’d never again forget to ask, yet knowing full well that the answer I’d get would most likely be questionable.

Hey, I was twelve once, too.

The girls all assured me that their mothers would not mind a bit, and because they had such open and honest little faces, I decided to trust them.

I’m so glad I did.

Since being hired at this counter, I’ve made peace with the giant cosmetics industry by deciding that I would never sell a product based on what a woman was lacking, but rather as a means of enhancing the beauty she already possessed. It’s the only way I can look at myself in the mirror as I apply my own makeup every morning.

The Saginaw girls were already gorgeous – to me – and as I listened to them, I was reminded of the excitement I felt when, at twelve, I pulled out the shoe box (hidden under my bed) that contained a compact, a lipstick (Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers in Watermelon), and a pallet of very blue eye shadow that I’d dug out of the discount bin at Walgreens, and applied them all – libreally.

Not wanting to repeat the debacle that defines my seventh grade picture (read: orange hair courtesy of Sun-In and blue eye shadow up to my eyebrows), I gave them each the option of a “natural on the go glow” or a “Saturday night party girl” look.  As I worked, I listened to them talk about everything – music, soccer, boys, school, and each other.  They were hilariously honest and asked a million questions, which they quickly answered themselves as I concentrated on applying colors that complemented their skin tones.

I answered their questions, and only interjected when they began to talk about how someone was worried about what boys thought of her fat thighs.  I was shocked because not one of them was remotely close to being overweight, and because they were expressing the exact same fears that I had at twelve – and, if I’m honest, still have at forty-five.

Ugh.

I told them that all of the cool guys I know do not judge a women based on the size of her thighs, stomach or any other part of her body, to which they smartly shot back, “Her boobs!  Boys look a a girl’s boobs and judge her!”  I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing as I replied, “Yes, they do.  And they will for the rest of your lives, but as long as they are not rude about it, just pretend not to notice because they simply can’t help it.”  This caused them to laugh loudly and talk about the boys in their favorite band (which they told me the name of, numerous times, and I still can’t remember).

When I was done with each girl, I held up a mirror and asked them what they thought.  I watched as a look of awe spread across their faces giving way to excitement, and I knew I was watching each one of them see themselves as beautiful and grown-up. The funny thing is that I hadn’t applied a lot of makeup – a little blush, a little light eyeshadow, a coat of mascara and some lip gloss – so they were simply looking at slightly enhanced versions of their own natural beauty.

When they were done, one of the mothers came to pick them up and take them back to the hotel.  She approved of the job I’d done as she gathered up her little ducklings so they could hit the pool before bed. Both the mother and I were openly envious of the fact that they still had energy to burn.

The next night, my soccer friends returned with three new teammates, and we went through the routine again, except this time they talked with me like I was an old friend. Again, asking questions, telling me about school, soccer, boys, and all of the wonderful things that twelve-year old girls will talk about when an adult treats them like they’re grown up.  When I was done, they handed me a stack of notes they’d written on the back of sheets we use to outline the products we’ve used during a makeover.

Later, after they’d left, I unfolded the notes and found that they’d written “Mary, from your favorite person you’ll ever meet.  Mary, your the best person I ever met. Love, M.” and “A.A. is soooo cool and loves Mary” and “M.C. is the most amazing person ever and she LOVES Mary!”

As I read the notes, I teared up, and thought, “We should all be so lucky have a group of adoring twelve-year olds in our lives.”

What will stick with me forever, though, is the moment when, on the second night, one of the girls began talking about not being pretty enough, I cut in and said, “You’re beautiful.  With or without makeup, you are absolutely stunning and gorgeous because you are *you*!”  All at once, five girls began singing the lyrics to “Beautiful” – loud and proud, ignoring all of the looks that other shoppers and cosmetics sales people shot at them. They sang, in unison, through the chorus, and all I could do was stand back and smile as I watched them.

I hope I never forget how empowering it felt to watch a group of young women be that bold and beautiful.

Fortunately, I know that if I ever do, I’ll have a team of intelligent, hilarious, and fiercely strong young friends around to remind me.

Digging in the Dirt

Trinity Cemetery - photo by DMT

Truffle pigs can be persistent little suckers.

A few weeks ago, while I was struggling with yet another set of issues that have plagued me for a long time, J. wrote a response that identified this tendency as “truffle pigs digging.”  I love the analogy because the phrase is not only humorous (say it ten times fast and you’ll see what I mean), but it also accurately describes the way in which the brain latches on to something and refuses to let go.

What’s been interesting about this is that once I had a name for what was going on, I found it much easier to identify what was happening – and then let it go.

How have I been able to let go of so many of the worries and fears?  The answer lies in being willing to confront the problems and utilize my resources.

I’ve asked for advice from friends and family, but I’ve also integrated a variety of outside resources and used those as a basis for identifying solutions to the problems.  Once I opened my mind and realized that everything is related to everything else, I could see that every bit of information I take in can be used to help me make better, more informed decisions – and that these decisions were the key to stopping the truffle pig rampages in their tracks.

One of the best investments I’ve ever made was in hiring a life coach.  I found my life coach, Mary Rives and her Thrive and Shine practice, through the Life Coaching TrainingAlliance website.  In our first phone session, she walked me through the process of coaching and asked guided questions designed to help me identify the issues I wanted to work through.  I was immediately hooked by her calm, gentle manner of dealing with my truffle pig issues, and signed up for a package of three additional sessions.

Those three sessions changed my life.

Life coaching is not therapy (though I’ve used psychotherapy as well, and highly recommend it).  You don’t dig into the psychological depths of where the problems came from in order to understand where the problem began.  Instead, you identify the problems you’re struggling with, and then work with the coach to develop healthy ways of actively dealing with them.

In the first session, we identified the issues I felt needed the most attention (self-criticism and perfectionist tendencies), and then spent time talking about how to actively confront the unproductive habits I’d developed.  Mary listened carefully to what I was saying, restated what she heard, and then asked questions that allowed me to identify possible solutions to the problem.

In our first session, I identified my long-standing problem associated with my “inner critic” and talked about how “she” constantly worked against me; tearing me down and undermining my confidence.  As we talked, Mary offered some insight into how and why this critic comes into being.  It was an eye opening moment when I heard her say that the inner-critic develops as a defense mechanism and its specific purpose is to push us to get out of situations that are physically or psychologically dangerous.

However, as a person becomes more confident and secure in themselves, the inner-critic loses its job and, as a result, becomes destructive rather than productive.  As the inner-critic loses its purpose, it seeks out new ways to “protect and serve,” and in doing so, it begins to attack the positive traits we seek to cultivate – strength, confidence, self-worth.  Every new attack causes us to question ourselves and doubt our abilities, leaving us to wonder if anything we do is right.

At the end of our first session, I suddenly piped up and said, “Mary!  I know what I need to do with my inner-critic!”  Mary asked me what that was, and I excitedly blurted out, “She’s worked so hard to protect me for so long, and instead of being grateful, I’m trying to squash her!  Maybe I need to change my tactics.  I think what I need to do is to love her out of existence!”

My outpouring was met with dead silence on the other end of the phone.

Immediately my inner-critic kicked in and I began to backtrack and rethink what I’d said.  I was wrong.  My thinking was wrong, obviously.  The solution was silly, wasn’t it?

Mary broke in and said, “I’ve coached a lot of people in my life, but I’ve not had someone come up with such a clear, concise solution in one 45-minute session.I’m quiet because I’m stunned by the simplicity and brilliance of your idea.  It’s perfect!”

It took me a few minutes to process – and accept – that my idea was a good one, not a ridiculously silly approach to the problem. And then I began questioning how to I was supposed to do this.

Mary and I came up with the idea that I should sit down and write out a physical description of my inner-critic, so that I could clearly identify and see her.  Defining what she looked like would give me the advantage of being able to address someone I could see, rather than trying to deal with a disembodied critical entity.  I was skeptical, but I agreed to try.

After we ended our session, I sat down with my journal and pen, and began to write.

And write.

And write.

As I poured a description onto the pages of my journal, I discovered that my inner-critic was a small, thin young woman who had been backed into a corner; her body tense, fists balled at her sides, prepared to attack anything that threatened her – or me. She looked exhausted, and it dawned on me that that this exhaustion was the result of the years she’d spent fiercely protecting me. The effort had completely depleted her reserves of strength.

As I spilled my observations onto the page, I was overcome with a feeling of sadness, compassion, and absolute love for this tenatious waif.

And I began to cry.

I found myself shifting the focus of my writing, and instead of writing about her, I began writing to her.  I thanked her for all of the years she’d endeavored to keep me safe, and expressed a deep gratitude for how well she’d done her job.

And then I wrote, “We’re safe now.  You can rest.  I’ve got us covered.”

However, identifying the issue and defining it was a long way from actually breaking the habit.  So, over the next few weeks, every time my inner-critic rose up in my defense, I looked over at her in the tight little corner, smiled, and said, “We’re safe now.  You can rest.  I’ve got us covered.”  Each time I did this, I could feel her breathe a small sigh of relief and relax a little bit more.

She could trust me, and more importantly, I could trust myself.

I know this probably sounds odd, and more than a little “woo woo.” Believe me, as someone who constantly looks for evidence to prove what I think and feel, it sounds odd to me, even though it’s my experience.

And honestly, I’ll admit that writing this account of the experience made my inner-critic rise up, again.  However, this time I recognize that she’s trying to protect and defend me; to keep me from looking foolish or exposing me to ridicule. And while I appreciate her attempt to keep me safe, I also recognize that a large part of her power rests in my willingness to keep secrets (about my vulnerabilities and my “mistakes”) and in my being complicit in a system that keeps me from expressing what I really think or feel.

I’ve come to believe that, in the end, it’s the silence that kills us.

My sessions with Mary helped me understand that letting go of the negative habits and beliefs isn’t an easy task, but I’ve found that when I can ask the questions that allow me to face the issues and deal with them in a constructive way, I can preserve and protect the precious resources I’ve worked so hard to nurture and grow.

The truffle pigs can dig, but I don’t have to let them destroy.

Empire State Building

March 2007 - photo by JMW

This picture used to make me shudder, and if I’m honest, it still does, a little bit.

For a long time, I buried this photo in an attempt to try and forget what the image represented – a woman who was pretty miserable because she was certain she was a failure. At the time this picture was taken, I had stopped working on my Ph.D. (an endeavor that had occupied nearly fifteen years of my life), was working as a low-wage receptionist at a veterinary clinic, and was in a relationship that was well on its way to failing.

I was depressed, demoralized, and disconnected from both family and friends, and I couldn’t see how I was ever going to turn things around and find joy in life again.

I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, and that if I just “tried harder” I could make it all work. After all, “other people” didn’t seem to be having the problems I was having. “Other people” coped with challenges and overcame obstacles so much better than I did. If I was unhappy, then it must be my fault because “other people” were making it work.

The problem was that I didn’t have any concrete evidence of who these “other people” were or exactly what they were doing. All I could see was what was on the outside, and since I couldn’t see inside “other people’s” situations (and I didn’t dare ask questions since that would have exposed my weaknesses), I couldn’t figure out how “they” were doing it so much better than I was.

That winter, J. suggested that perhaps we should travel to New York in celebration of my 40th birthday. I was enthusiastic about the trip, but a part of me didn’t want to go because I felt so ashamed of who I was – of who I’d become.

I knew I’d gained a lot of weight over the years, and I didn’t want to embarrass J. (who is one of the most fashionable women I know) by showing up in New York City looking like a frumpy (and decidedly un-cosmopolitan) tourist. J. calmly reassured me that she didn’t care what I looked like, the trip was about her and I spending time together in a place that offered us the chance to explore and discover new things.

I don’t know if she knew it then, but she threw me the lifeline that pulled me back from the edge of the abyss.

The four days we spent in New York City rekindled my spirit, and reignited my desire to live a life of purpose; to learn; to grow; to change! I came back from the trip inspired by all that we’d done and seen, and I immediately began to make changes. Not all of the changes were well received, nor were they done the “right” way, but the point was that I could now see that there was more to life than what I’d been living – and I wanted something more.

This did not bode well for my relationship, and a year and a half later, I called it quits and moved out. It was scary to be on my own after ten years of living with my ex-partner, and a part of me wondered if I’d be able to actually make it on my own.

October 2008 - photo by JMW

The support of family and friends pulled me through the roughest patches, and I soon found myself loving life in a way that I hadn’t for a very long time.

I’d begun losing weight during the breakup, but I soon found myself plateauing and unable to get past the first 35 pounds. Frustrated by my lack of progress, I retreated into some bad habits that I’d developed as a means of trying to control situations that felt completely out of my control (going long periods of time without eating anything), and was frustrated as I backslid.

It was at that point that D., ever the pragmatic realist, served up a whopping dose of honesty and sparked a change in my direction. As I complained about my inability to make myself eat on a regular basis and spun out theory after theory about why I simply couldn’t do this, he matter-of-factly said, “I don’t get it. It’s simple. Put food in your mouth. Chew. Swallow. Problem solved.”

At first I was pissed at his unemotional response to what felt like a deeply emotional issue. How could he possibly understand the difficulty of eating on a regular basis? I stubbornly refused to believe that the solution was that simple, so D. let it go and left me to my theorizing.

It wasn’t until the personal trainer I hired (to help me organize workouts and re-evaluate my diet) went through my food diaries and commented that I was undoing all of the work I’d done by denying my body the proper nutrition it needed to run efficiently, that I began to understand that there was merit in what D. had said months before. However, I stubbornly resisted the trainer’s advice until he finally said, “Look, either you get on board with the program or you quit. But I’ll tell you this, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you can expect the exact same results you’ve been getting – nothing.”

I got the message – and changed my approach.

Once I did, I found that implementing his suggestions was a matter of doing what D. had suggested months before: Put food in mouth. Chew. Swallow. Problem solved.

And I lost another 85 pounds over the next year.

What this experience taught me was invaluable as I worked to change other aspects of my life, and realized that in order to change I was going to have to employ the knowledge of those who had experience in the areas I wanted to improve.

January 2010 - photo by MAG

Over the past five years I’ve worked with medical professionals, a life coach, and countless individuals who have skills that I’d like to develop. I’ve listened to them, employed their advice, and adjusted it when the fit wasn’t quite right.

I’ve started asking questions, talking about things openly and honestly, and stopped thinking that “other people” somehow have it all figured out.

They don’t.

It was when I started listening to that inner voice that lets me know when something is working (and when it isn’t) that I realized my life is simply that – my life.

And while I can look at the choices others are making and the results they’re getting, there’s no way for me to know all of the factors that have gone into their decisions. The outcome of their choices is uniquely their own, and measuring myself against “other people” doesn’t do me – or them – any favors.

Five years after my first trip to New York City, I am a decidedly happier and healthier version of myself. I feel more confident, more secure in my decisions, and more self-assured about the direction my life is taking. I don’t know where the next five years will lead, but if the last five are any indication, I’m going to wind up someplace absolutely amazing.

And I’m looking forward to the adventure!

August 2011 - photo by MAG

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

For the past few months, I’ve been scared to write on my own blog.

There, I said it.

I’ve been paralyzed by the fact that I have so much to say, and yet I wasn’t sure of how to say it, so I froze.

Instead, I shifted the focus away from myself and my thoughts, and turned them toward people I know who are actively engaged in pursuing their dreams, and I’m not sorry I did. Dan, Laura, Colin, and Kate inspired me, gave me hope and did a mighty fine job of covering for me while I frantically searched for my writer’s courage.

Oh, I didn’t stop writing. For me, that would be akin to not breathing.

I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. And wrote. But I couldn’t craft a blog entry that I felt I could publish, so I let it go and took a break from blogging.

I taught, I worked a second sales job (in retail) over the holidays, and I read books. Lots and lots and lots of books. But still I didn’t feel like I had anything worthwhile to say.

Last Sunday afternoon, frustrated by my inability to blog, and hungry for information related to a decision I am in the process of making, I traveled to my local library and found Mika Brzezinski’s book Knowing your Value: Women, Money, and Getting What You’re Worth during my ritual “wandering of the stacks.” I checked it, and several other books, out and drove home to make dinner.

That night I began reading and kept reading until I my eyelids were too heavy to stay up. The next morning I was up at five, with a steaming cup of coffee, and by nine I was turning the last page as I sipped the ice cold dregs.

As soon as I finished, I emailed J. to tell her what an amazing book it was, and, of course, had to summarize a few parts for her. I told her she had to read it!

When she emailed back a little while later, she laughingly said she’d add it to her list of books and thanked me for the Cliff Notes.

In my excitement, I misunderstood her gratitude as a request and proceeded to type out a synopsis of each chapter. Later we laughed about my overly enthusiastic response to her appreciation, but I was glad that I’d typed up my thoughts while they were still fresh. Rereading them, I realized why I had been having so much trouble finding my blogging voice.

I couldn’t find value in what I had to say.

I was embarrassed about all of the ideas I had. I thought everything I had to say was silly or trivial – and I was ashamed of what I thought.

Knowing Your Value was the key that unlocked – and opened – the door, and showed me that I wasn’t alone.

Brzezinski’s book chronicles her professional missteps as she got back into the television news business a year after she lost her anchor position on CBS Evening News. In it, she explores the ways in which professional women are often overlooked and under compensated, and more importantly, how they themselves contribute to the system that devalues their performance and contributions. Not only did she examine her own missteps, she also asked powerful professional women about theirs – and then reported their candid responses.

Women like Senior Presidential Advisor,Valerie Jarrett, former CEO of Yahoo.com Carol Bartz, former Chairperson of the FDIC Sheila Bair and Publisher Tina Brown all expressed the same kinds of experiences – feeling torn between being professional (read: being a “good girl”) and vocally valuing their contributions (read: being a “self-promoter”).

The example that absolutely shocked, and then reassured, me was from Elizabeth Warren. Yes, the Elizabeth Warren. The Harvard Law Professor. The longtime consumer advocate who locked horns with Treasury Secretary, Tim Geithner. The Elizabeth Warren who has been on Time magazine’s list of the World’s Most Influential People for two years running, and who is now running for the Massachusetts Senate. That Elizabeth Warren.

Warren says that she’s always been the “good girl,” the one who said, “Someone needs to do this. Someone needs to mop the floor. Okay, hand me the mop.” What she hadn’t realized was how deep the need to “belong” ran, until the Wall Street Journal called her “self-promoting.” She said that she was transported back to her childhood in Oklahoma, suddenly feeling like the odd girl out, and remembers thinking, “Oh my god, I do so much less press than I’m asked to do, and when I do it, I always try to do it in the service of trying to teach something, trying to advance an idea’…it really stung. You know when someone says, ‘Oh, she’s just plain stupid,’ it doesn’t cut to the quick. It doesn’t undermine me in the same way. It doesn’t even throw me off. But the notion that I’m self-promoting somehow makes me gasp…I think more than once I’ve wondered, ‘Would you say that if I were a man?’” (Brzezinski 106).

I was stunned. If even Elizabeth Warren worries about being seen as a self-promoting know-it-all, then what hope do I have of figuring out how to say what I think?

As women, we are socialized in a way that leads us to doubt ourselves, and allows the opinions of others to silence our own. And because we’re scared of being labeled judgmental, uptight or holier-than-thou, we censor what we really think and feel in order to make others feel more comfortable or less insecure. It’s a horrible cycle that leads many women to give up trying to get their ideas heard, and I shudder to think how many possibilities have been lost as a result.

The problem, Ariana Huffington says, is that, “Too often in our culture, strong women get stereotyped as ball-busters, which is as insulting as it is ludicrous. In my experience, the strongest, most fearless women I know are also the most creative and productive-and the ones who most want to support other women. And honestly, wouldn’t any healthy man really prefer to be involved with a woman-either personally or professionally-who is driven by her true thoughts, feelings, beliefs and desires instead of her fears?” (93).

While reading these words, it hit me. All of the women in the book expressed doubt and fear about speaking up and asserting their worth, but they all put on a good game face, developed thicker skin, made mistakes, and kept speaking up.

They didn’t give in to the voice that threatened to silence them.

Even when the voice was their own.

I have a lot to blog about these days. Big changes are on the way, and I’m scared and excited by the prospect of possibly changing careers at this stage in my life (for those of you who have followed my blog, I will tell you for certain that I am not on my way to becoming a rock star – and that I’m sorry if you’re disappointed.).

I don’t know what’s going to happen or how it’s going to happen, all I know is that I have a lot to say about what’s going to happen, and I’m not going to allow my fears to silence me.

Well, not for long, anyway.

Dreamer Profile: Kate Pricer

Kate Pricer

[Editor's Note: When I asked Kate to do a Dreamer Profile, I assumed that she'd write about her career as a graphic designer, her desire to do creative writing, or her oddly interesting obsession with Batman.  I did not anticipate the way in which she would creatively interpret the questions, but I'm so glad she did because it changed the way I think about dreaming - yet again!]

Kate Pricer

C.pricer@hotmail.com

What is the dream you are pursuing?

When I think about what dream I am pursuing, I honestly draw a blank. After three cups of coffee and 13 million ideas, I have come up with this:

The dream I am pursuing is to learn and be all that I can be. Basically not to lose sight of the big picture, to do what would have made my father proud.

What inspired you dream about doing this project? 

My father was a great man. He taught my brother and me that we can do anything, that we will be able to anything and that we will – no matter what – do anything. Thus, a little red bracelet I wear around my wrist that reads, “I am, I can, I will.” This is the project of life. I tell myself every day these words – and I have my dream job, my dream life and endless possibility in front of me.

What challenges have you faced in order to pursue on this dream?

It’s life and I am not saying that my life is a fuzzy, pink cloud, but I can say that even in the most fearful and hopeless situations, I can learn and grow and only come out on the other side of any storm more powerful and free than when I started.

What has surprised you the most about pursuing this dream?

I never thought I would make it to 25. I have my share of trouble. There were times I knew I was unsure if I would make it out alive, but here I am, 25, and I am honestly living the dream!

What have been the most rewarding aspects of pursuing this dream?

Every day I wake up and I am excited to see what the day brings: what projects at work I will start, what bit of technology I will learn. I get to learn and teach every day. That has been the most rewarding factor in this project I know as life.

Kate Pricer

Is there anything you wish you would have known or done differently?

There are a few regrets I hold on to today. I wish I would have learned more in school and in life so far. Having my father around to continue to mentor me in life would have been nice as well.

Where do you hope this dream leads?

I can’t even imagine where my life will go from here. All the relationships and material situations I have now have been nothing but a surprise and have far exceeded my expectations. I want to keep learning, and finding the situations and adventures that lead me to believe in myself, and to teach the people around me.

Who inspires you to dream?

My inspiration for my dream is my father. He taught me to never give up. When you fall, pick yourself up, walk it off and try again. These inspirations I find are also found through people I meet in everyday life, from the security guard who waves good morning at work to my extremely spoiled mutt. The fear of never trying and regretting inspires me to move forward. Most days go by and I can’t help but to think just how lucky I am to be where I am today.

Dreamer Profile: Colin McComb

Oathbreaker: The Knight

[Editor's note: I first met Colin when we were both teaching at the same school - right next door to each other, in fact - and would "threaten" to do something about the noise coming from our respective classrooms. Earlier this year, on my birthday, he supported my dream and wrote, "I wish you New York this year," and (unbeknownst to him) was one of the people who inspired me to take a chance and visit New York this past June. A few months ago, when I read that he was looking for supporters to help him publish his novel, I did what I could to return the favor, and am absolutely thrilled to be able to feature him in the Dreamer Profile series - and to have the honor of being able to count him as one of my friends.]

NAME: Colin McComb

WEB ADDRESS/BLOG SITE: www.colinmccomb.com, http://www.3lbgames.com

EMAIL ADDRESS: cmm@3lbgames.com

What is the dream you are pursuing?

• After years of talking about it, planning it, and plotting it, I’m releasing my first novella, “Oathbreaker: The Knight’s Tale“, the first in a series. The series started off as a single snapshot image of a cocky young wizard who suddenly realizes he’s overmatched as his enemy summons forth a creature from beyond, and with that image burning a hole in my mind, the rest of the pieces began to fall into place. I promised my wife (as part of our wedding vows) that I’d write a book, and hey, ten years later! Here I am.

What inspired you dream about doing this project?

• I’ve been a fantasist for a long time. I started playing Dungeons & Dragons when I was 10, and I’ve been reading fantasy since well before then. I’ve been a professional game designer and writer of one sort of another since 1991—I’ve always had the desire to share my imagination, but I’ve never published any fiction. Putting together a coherent story seems to me another route to do that… and this way, I don’t have to worry about game balance, which always been a concern.

What challenges have you faced in order to pursue on this dream?

• The biggest challenges have come from inside. Procrastination, fear that my work wasn’t good, or fear that it wasn’t good enough (especially when compared to the great writers), fear that I’d fail, fear that I’d succeed, making something else the priority… lack of focus, in other words, because of an underlying anxiety about finally being responsible for my own fate, with the commensurate penalties for imagined failure.

What has surprised you the most about pursuing this dream?

• When I launched my Kickstarter project to help pay for my artist and editor, I thought I would get some desultory interest, and I set my pledge bar low. Instead, total strangers to me backed me generously, along with friends and family and fans of my other work, and I met the goal handily. I suppose it was surprising to me to realize that people really do like my work. You’d think that I’d have internalized this long ago, since I’ve had a fairly successful game career, but I’ve always rationalized that as people being interested in the game, or the setting, or the company I was working for.

What have been the most rewarding aspects of pursuing this dream?

• Pretty much the answer I just gave. That, and finally launching my book. There’s something about seeing it put together and knowing, “I did that. I made this.” Even if it doesn’t sell thousands of copies, I know that I did it. I launched something under my own power.

Is there anything you wish you would have known or done differently?

• No procrastination! No fear! It’s easy to look back at the end of a project and say, “Man, I shouldn’t have wasted so much time.” I should know! But I wish I could keep the focus I’ve learned in the last few years and apply it retroactively to my life. I just need to remember: When I sit down to a project, I sit down to the project – and I don’t get distracted. Take the time to do it right, because otherwise there’s no point in doing it.

Where do you hope this dream leads?

• Fame and riches, of course! Mostly the latter, anyway. At the very least, I’d like to maintain enough interest in the series that I can finish it off as a complete story. Chances are good I’ll do that anyway, but it’d be nice to get paid along the way.

Who inspires you to dream?

• My friends Chris Avellone and Tony DiTerlizzi, who really do embody the work ethic I want. They are both astoundingly creative and prolific, and if I can match even half of their output over the course of my life, I’ll be happy.

(Oathbreaker: The Knight’s Tale Book I can be purchased on Amazon.com)

Dreamer Profile: Laura Heineman

Detroit Night - Photo by Laura Heineman

(Editor’s note: Laura is not only an aspiring med student, she is also a talented Graphic Designer and photographer who writes the blog DetroitByBike, which details her bike trips around the Detroit area. She is also a true artist – as evidenced by the way she reshaped the questionnaire – and I love that!)

NAME: Laura Heineman

WEB ADDRESS/BLOG SITE: detroitbybike.com, lauraheineman.com

Mary,

You gave me this questionnaire to fill out. But I’m just not to good at filling out questions. So… here is my dreamer profile:

I don’t believe in regret in life. But I also believe that you need to be able to recognize when higher powers are trying to tell you something. About 2 months ago I randomly told a Doctor that if I could live my life over again I would have gone to medical school. I then told her that I was too old to go now. Her response was, “Just do it. I was 28 and a single parent when I went back to school and I did it. It’s hard but it’s worth it.” I had already committed to going back to school so I started looking into it. It turns out medschool was only going to be an extra 2 years of education when I broke it all down. Not a huge difference in the long term view of life. I talked with a few other doctors that I knew and they all told me the same thing. It’s hard, I’ll be putting my life on hold, but in the end it is worth it and I should do it. (It’s funny because I got exactly the same speech from all 3 of them, they also weren’t focusing on money, they all seemed to be happy and fulfilled in their careers.)

Detroit Lives! - photo by Laura Heineman

The things I would tell someone in this (especially if they were your students) are below:

-Get good grades. It sounds so trivial and stupid at the time but grades are a way of tracking your success and work ethic. It’s your proof to people. I didn’t always focus on my grades because I knew that I knew the topics so I was ok with working just hard enough and getting B’s. Fast forward to 10 years later and those B’s may be the thing that stops me from getting into medschool. Even though I believe I am smart enough, I didn’t put in the effort into the “society approved” way of saying that I’m intelligent.

-Believe in yourself. When I first started telling people that I was leaving a good job to go back to waiting tables so I could go to school I got a lot of really bad looks. This isn’t something we do in our society. Especially in our parents society. You sign onto a job and you work it for the rest of your life. Hopefully you work your way up. But since I have left my job, many random things have happened that I cannot believe are just chance. I like to believe this is life’s way of telling me I’m on the right track.

-Lastly, surround yourself with intelligent, inspiring people. Spend your time with people that lift you up. When I first told my family that I was going to attempt medschool at 31 they basically didn’t talk to me. I’m lucky that I have such good friends that pushed me to go for it. They gave me the little boost of power I needed to be able to believe in myself.

Detroit night park - photo by Laura Heineman